😀  Are you tired of being told like it is?  

😁 Do you believe that rigorous honesty is overrated? 

😄 Are you interested in taking the elevator instead of the steps? 

😃 Have you determined that you are terminally unique?

😃 Would you rather try the easier, softer way? 

😃 Do you find old timers boring?

😃 Do you think the big book is 164 pages too long?

Then Our Rent-A-Sponsor Service is perfect for you

No Reading! No Writing! No Deadlines!

No effort whatsoever is required!

And we can absolutely guarantee you will not stay sober! (or your money back)

SOME OF OUR STANDARD FEATURES INCLUDE:

😭   Listening to your problems without nagging you about solutions! 

😡  helping you perfect how to blame others for all your problems!

👍  giving you a cheat sheet with all the AA lingo so you can impress other newcomers! 

🤔  Allowing you to decide if and when you want to work the steps! 

🖕    teaching you that Staying sober is all the amends you need to make! 

👣  Why "walk the walk" when we can teach you just to "talk the talk?" 

🥰  validating that The only resentment you really need to worry about is the resentment you have against yourself! 

🤒  Why be honest at the cost of losing face?

🤏  Learn the secret of "getting it" without actually doing any work

We also have expert sponsors for those who would like the special "relapse" program."  Note:  the cost of this program is based on the number of relapses you would like to have.

And now for a limited time you can purchase our Fourth Step Inventory Service for a small fee.  

We are experts at understanding alcoholics, their uniqueness, and all the things they aren't willing to deal with.  Leave your fourth step inventory in our hands and you will be extremely pleased with the results.

For further information, please call 1-888-SPONSOR*

If you are interested in references, we have clients in rehabs, asylums, jails, and graveyards.  In addition, we have some clients living on skid row.  We would be more than willing to hook you up with one of them, so you can see how well our services work.  

*this is a joke.